A little bit dramatic
Zoe Eisenberg, iEG sex/lifestyle
How many times have you talked to someone who has “trust issues?” If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I wouldn’t be up to my vegan chin in student loans. (I’m lookin’ at you, Sallie Mae.)
Trust and respect are the foundation of a solid relationship. This builds the friendship that remains standing after the period of fiery sex thrice daily is over. If someone is unfaithful or lies to their partner (a serious lie, not in the “no, your split pea soup does not at all resemble vomit,” kind of way), then trust and respect can be broken. Hopefully, we’re all learning from our experiences and moving forward.
This whole “moving forward” thing has been on my mind a lot lately. So, what happens AFTER your partner fucks up big time? You either scratch “Douche” on the side of their vintage Camaro and peace out, or—if you think the relationship is worth it–you try and move past it together.
I’m turning a big question over you to folks:
Has anyone ever successfully regained trust in their partner once it has been broken? If so, how?
I’ve been asking this of several of my friends, and most of them say no, they have never regained trust. The ones who say yes follow up with something like, “Yes, so and so did <insert douchey thing>, and I got over it. But I still get really mad when they <insert similar scenario>.” Uhm, I hate to break it to you, but that’s not “getting over it.” That may be repressing it, but it doesn’t sound like there is any trust there.
I have a long list of relationships with shattered trust. Most of the guys I dated in my early twenties did something very stupid at some point. I can be bit too trusting in the beginning. I typically don’t bail right away. I try to stick it out and move forward. I’m an advocate of forgiveness. When I was younger, a relationship with no trust turned me into a raving, jealous loon, frothing at the mouth and driving by my boyfriend’s house over and over at midnight, howling. Okay not quite, but you get the point. Without trust, I became insecure and questioned everything. As I have matured (cough), I stopped.
At first I thought by not giving into jealousy or insecurity, I was getting over my partner’s offenses. I was regaining trust. I was growing up. Look at me go! Upon reflection, however, I realize that no, I have never regained trust. Instead of spewing my insecurity like verbal diarrhea or romping around like a jealous she-wolf, I now internalize it for several months, or even years. Then I make a swift exit, leaving my partner going, “But, really? Still?…I thought we moved past that.”
It’s actually quite cruel because my partner thinks we’re fine, and then—surprise!–I’m off, seemingly unaffected. You hurt my feelings eight months ago and I’m just a bit slow to react. In the long run, I don’t think this is any healthier or more productive than the midnight drive-bys.
So, please, weigh in here. How do you deal with your trust issues? Have you ever been able to mend a broken trust? Once trust is broken, should you leave on principal, dignity still intact? Or should you hightail it to the library to take out How Could You Do This to Me? Learning to Trust After Betrayal? What gives?
Want more from Zoe? Follow her on Twitter and Instagram, and don’t forget to check out her book, The Lusty Vegan.