"And for lunch I had a chickpea salad sandwich, and then...."
Your partner gets into bed. They start kissing your neck. They start copping a feel. They’re headed toward third. And you’re wondering if you should have called your sister today because she sounded really stressed the last time you talked and….shit, they came.
We’ve all been there. Sometimes, it’s hard to get in the moment during sex, especially when we’re stressed out and pulled in 100 different directions. While it may be an employable asset at work, the only type of multi-tasking you should be doing in bed starts with a 6 and ends with a 9. Mentally scanning your to-do list just isn’t sexy, and it keeps you from having good sex. Nothing should keep you from having good sex. Below are 4 tips to help you focus when it matters most.
Clear your mind first.
If you’re one of those people constantly running over your to-do-list for tomorrow, it may get in the way of your sexytime schedule. Your partner is halfway through foreplay, and you’re thinking about prepping dinner for tomorrow or if you can squeeze in a spin class before work. To clear your head before bed, make a to-do-list. Sit down for 10 minutes and write down everything that’s cluttering your brain up. Then put the list down. Place it far away from your bedroom so you aren’t thinking about it, and back…away…slowly.
Focus on sensation.
Okay so you made your list, and you still can’t focus on the task at hand (or mouth). A good way to get in the moment is to focus on every individual sensation. How does your skin feel when your partner touches it? How do they smell? Taste? This trick is beneficial not only for helping you stay present, but also for heightening your pleasure. Everything feels, looks, and tastes better when you’re giving it all of your attention.
Get verbal.
Still having sexual ADD? Start talking. Being verbal during sex can be nerve-wracking for those who aren’t used to it, but it can really help get you in the moment, and build up a nice sizzling sexual tension.
Since you’re already focusing on your sensations (right?! RIGHT?), just start saying what you’re thinking out loud. This technique is effective because it’s hard for you to think about getting the laundry done if you’re speaking out loud. If your mind wanders to work, you’ll end up telling your partner how good it feels when they fax that report first thing in the morning. Uhhh, what?
Don’t worry about sounding stupid – you wont. Start nice and slow. No need to jump right into an explicit four-letter rant—unless that’s what you’re in the mood for. Talking to one another when at your most intimate, vulnerable state not only helps get you in the moment, but it builds a stronger connection, which also makes for better sex.
Pick a better time.
You’ve made your to-do-list, you’re totally aware of every sensation, and you’ve become so good at dirty talk your partner is starting to suspect you’ve been dialing in a late night call line. You STILL can’t totally free yourself from the iron-barred prison of your brain. Try and switch up your sexual routine. I don’t just mean position (although that too can help), I mean the time you choose to have sex. Maybe you can’t get in the mood before bed because you just don’t crave sex then. That’s okay – try it first thing in the morning or right when you get home from work.
Life is too short to slog through sex without awareness. And…sex is fun. So give it the attention it deserves. Your body, your brain, and your partner will thank you.